If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.