If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I am also baked goods
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.