If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Poetry is my passion
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off