If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Does your wife know you’re single?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.