If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I have questions??
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”