If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
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Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Best spoiler warning ever
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.