If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
#Caturday
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget