If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.