If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
and this one
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff