If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.