If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I did not eat the cake…
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.