If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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How to woo a woman
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.