If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I don’t get marriage
Tier 3 meme
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.