If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me too 😆
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”