@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

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@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@McFluffy537

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

@yenniwhite

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

@noog

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

@sofarrsogud

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@Swishergirl24

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

@egg_dog

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!