If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

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Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No


I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.


I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.


I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.


ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.


It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.


The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?


a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!