@mjkspeaks
@newLettuce Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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@newLettuce 
@WestofCrazy Answers phone, makes modem noises…
@McFluffy537 I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
@yenniwhite I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
@noog I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
@sofarrsogud ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
@longwall26 It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
@dogfather This was the best day of my life
@Swishergirl24 The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
@egg_dog a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!