if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Ghost costume 😂
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle