if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
50 shades of grey = my Liver
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If you want my opinion ask my wife