If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.