If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.