If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.