If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar