If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Twitter fine art
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.