If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.