If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
my favorite genre of twitter
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
this is me
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.