If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’