If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
tell em, edith-anne
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately