Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.