Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

A choir of Spring onions

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist