If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Terribly Tuesday.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
spot the difference
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I don’t think my car can fly
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.