If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?
Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back
How about your kid?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
me: how much gas do i have?
me: ok but HOW empty?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.