If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head