If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that