If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.