If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.