If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!