If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
But I really needed water water water
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*