If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
You Might Also Like
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day