If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you