If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Hmm, not sure about this change
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.