If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Real House Wines.