if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
You Might Also Like
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster