If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You Might Also Like
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it