If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist