If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it