If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man