If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
guilty
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.