If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.