@Marcmywords2

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

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@djdarrellripley

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

@notfaizzy

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

@coffeeandvinyl1

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

@portmanteauface

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

@highprobably1

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

@Gupton68

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

@asimplesean

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

@schumoo

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

@DurtMcHurtt

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

@roxiqt

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.