if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Bed should get ready for ME
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.