if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Worst perfume name ever.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
there has never been a better use of this meme
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.