if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Okay me first
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no