If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.