If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….


[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?


During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.


Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.


Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.


I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’


Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?