If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.